


In Which Chairman Meow is the Worst Wingman

by orphan_account



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 04:29:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15162701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Or maybe the best, depending on how you look at it.





	In Which Chairman Meow is the Worst Wingman

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the prompt "Quick- catch that cat! It stole my wallet!"

“Izzy. Go. You’re fine. I mean, I’m fine. You’re fine… to leave me. Who is also fine.”

“Alec. I didn’t come here to watch you sulk around the bar. I came so you could… Like, loosen up a little. Have some fun. Forget about our freaking work once in a while-”

“I came to sulk around the bar.”

“I refuse to let that happen.”

“You know I’ll be more miserable on the dance floor than here. You did not come here to watch me sulk. You came here to dance. I did come here to sulk, however. So go away. Let me sulk in peace." 

Izzy went quiet. She had this look on her face that she always got when she was struggling with words, or choices- it was an expression that looked like she was determined to be uncertain. Sometimes, like looking at Jace, Alec got a pang of jealousy looking at his sister, who was unreasonably just as tall as he was, and put on an almost effortless confidence that matched her spiked stilettos and sharp angles of her face perfectly. Alec knew only too well that this confidence wasn’t constant, and that it only appeared as a surface layer to the ocean that was Izzy, but she still had that one layer, at least, where Alec had none. 

"Go,” Alec pressed, pushing her lightly, and she stumbled, giving him an annoyed look before softening.  

“Fine. We can get out of here in an hour. I just need… a dance or two…”

He waved her off. He knew what “just a dance or two” meant. He came completely prepared to be miserable the whole night. He’d brought his phone, brought some newspapers… could see just how long he could bore his mind out rereading the same old movie reviews…

He was just starting to take out his wallet, phone, and newspapers out of the bag he brought when a flash flew in front of him. It was so quick that by the time he fully reacted, in the default fighting stance years of military academy training taught him, the thing was gone. Alec was beyond mortified and hurt… although, technically, he wasn’t planning an assault, he should also technically “always be planning an assault”, and the fact that it’d taken him so slow to throw himself into action-

What was that thing, anyways? Who- Who was small enough…? What did it even…?? Confusion sent Alec spiraling back into his chair, and he had to blink to clear the headache it was giving him. His phone was still there, his newspapers were still there…

His  _wallet_? His wallet was gone? So quickly? How did that even  _happen_?  
Alec looked up, furiously trying to find answers. When he found who exactly the perpetrator was, he was smashed in the face with a hammer of a thousand more questions. 

What- what the  _hell_? Was that a  _cat_? 

Long, long eye contact was held for two seconds. Three seconds. Four. The thing had Alec’s wallet dangling in its mouth, and it stared unblinkingly back with threatening emerald eyes. For some reason, out of the millions of questions that swarmed Alec’s mind, the one that surfaced first from his daze was “ _How did a cat get into a night club, exactly?_ ”

He didn’t have time to explore this, really, as the cat somehow decided in that moment that it was going to bolt. Immediately, automatically, Alec’s body plunged into action.

“ **Quick** -” Alec stumbled with his words, trying to explain and apologize to everyone he was bumping and stumbling into, trying to weave around to snatch the criminal, “ **Catch that cat! It stole my wallet!** ”

Everyone in the club looked at him like he was insane. His cheeks burned, and he very nearly stopped, until the cat turned around and stared at him, again, with its judgmental green eyes, and Alec was certain-  _certain_ \- that the thing was messing with him.

And he was also very certain that that cat? Was  _not_  getting away.

He was so caught up in trying to catch the damn thing that he didn’t notice when it finally stopped- and by then, it was too late. He saw only for a second a flash of very, very sparkly blue before crashing into the human being that the cat stopped at. They both slammed into the ground, and Alec found he was too stunned to move. As was the person he was on top of.

There was a long pause.

“Oh,” Alec realized. “Oh my- I’m so sorry-”

He fumbled, trying to get up, as the person he was on top of groaned, and Alec, as he was rising, and apologizing profusely, caught a glimpse of the person’s eyes-

And promptly fell back down again, crashing faces on accident, swearing a million cuss words. 

It was a guy. 

A very, very handsome guy, with this nice skin that reminded Alec of honey, or golden caramel, and he had an appealing jawline, and… Alec could’ve sworn the guy had golden cat eyes, or something-

Alec’s body- the traitor that it was- basically went completely nuts, practically crumbling to pieces on top of the poor dude. 

“I didn’t mean for this- God, I'm… I’m  _so_   _ **sorry**_ -" 

The guy underneath him grunted again as he tried to get up, but it somehow turned into what sounded more like a pleasant hum. Alec shyly snuck another glance and found that the guy was looking at him, in a studying sort of way. In a way that twisted Alec’s insides.  _It’s just because you fell on him_ , Alec reminded himself.  _And he probably thinks you’re insane_. 

"You,” the cat-eyed guy started (he  _did_  have cat eyes!), “Are completely and  _utterly_  fine. And welcome to do that again  _whenever_  you please.”

And he winked. The cat-eyed guy  _winked_. 

Alec had never seen someone- besides Jace, of course, who’d never winked at  _Alec_ \- wink at him and pull it off. It always seemed unbelievably cheesy, and forced. 

But this wink was something new, and exotic, almost, that made Alec simultaneously want to smile and throw up. In a good way. 

Alec stammered, and the guy looked surprised. And pleased. For a couple of seconds, they lingered in this awkward position, Alec with his knees on either side of one of the mysterious stranger’s legs, arms pinned around the guy’s torso, the beautiful guy sitting in a half-upright position. Alec was stunned, and fascinated, and this other specimen looked amused. Someone giggled, slurring at them to get a room, and the other guy’s mouth went up in a grin. 

There was a sudden meow, and that was what broke the moment; Alec jumped, scrambling into position, lunging towards the cat instinctively, who’d yelped and shot past him…

Right into the stranger’s arms, whose grin was decidedly gone from his face.

“What exactly,” the guy asked, quietly, after Alec used a good minute to stare at the situation, “Do you think you’re doing to Chairman Meow?”

It took Alec a second to figure out who “Chairman Meow” was. It also took him a second to fully and really take the other person in- him and his glistering sapphire jacket and matching bow tie, along with a sequined black pocket and matching onyx pants. He also sported streaks of dazzling colors in his messy, swirling, spiked black hair. It was a bit overwhelming to comprehend all at once. 

“Your  _cat_?” Alec blurted, in disbelief. “That cat is  _yours_? You took your cat to a  _nightclub_?" 

The colorful tornado of a human brushed himself- and his cat, who was still  _biting Alec’s wallet_ \- off and took Alec in, his eyes narrow and calculating. Uncomfortable, Alec looked back, wide-eyed and uncertain of the guy’s sanity. 

"So?” he finally asked, eyebrows raised. Someone bumped into Alec, and he stumbled forward again, his head pounding from the music, the air, the situation… More than ever, now, he wanted to go home. He wanted to retreat from the judgmental and hurtful gaze of a random, beautiful stranger who apparently hated his guts. He wanted to pretend Jace wasn’t out with some new girl he was- for some reason- head-over-heels with. He wanted to pretend he wasn’t completely replaceable in his group of friends, and in military academy, and he kind of wanted to pretend his parents didn’t exist right now. 

“Your  _cat_ ,” Alec defended himself, tired, bluntly, “Took my  _wallet_.”

The guy hummed again, one eyebrow still raised as he pried the wallet from the cat’s mouth. The cat purred and stared at Alec with green, watchful eyes. If Alec blinked hard enough, the cat looked like it was… winking? At Alec?

He swore he didn’t have anything to drink tonight… Maybe he shouldn’t be trusted as Izzy’s designated driver…

“You sure you didn’t deserve it?” the stranger sounded condescending, almost. He definitely sounded skeptical. And disbelieving. And accusing. Alec stared. 

“I was  _sulking_ ,” Alec gestured wildly. “I did not deserve to be stolen from! Did you- Did you do that? Did you teach your cat to steal from other people? That is totally… I am  _sure_  that that’s illegal in some way! You can’t just  _do_  that!”

Golden cat-eyes, now narrowed, ignored his words. “Chairman Meow’s  _never_  wrong in character judgment. Here’s your wallet back, but I’d suggest not doing whatever you were doing again. Whether it was stealing from someone else, or perhaps, drugging a girl-”

Alec gaped. His mouth hung open. He searched to see if the guy was kidding or not.  _Definitely a lunatic. Most_ definitely _a lunatic. There’s no other explanation._

“I would  _never_  drug a girl. I was  _not_  stealing from someone. Your cat came out of nowhere and took the wallet-   _my_  wallet, not a wallet I’d stolen- that I was taking out. What I was doing when he stole it from me was contemplating how meaningless my life had gotten. I was telling my sister to dance without me. I was wallowing in my misery. I was not committing any immoral acts. I was not committing any illegal acts. And what I definitely wasn’t doing was assuming the worst of  _strangers_ because my cat stole their wallets and apparently told them all these untrue facts about their lives!" 

Even with this speech, even with logic clearly on Alec’s side, even with Alec’s convincing spectacle, the glittery boy looked skeptical. Alec, completely nerved, goggled at the wallet the other one held in his hand, trying to make a point to, you know,  _give it back please_. 

"My cat has never been wrong,” the guy, unmoved from Alec’s little monologue, thoughtfully and calmly deadpanned. Alec had never been more baffled. He was slightly feeling the urge to wring the guy’s neck. With a shock, he realized that he was having more fun debating his criminal life with this stranger than he had with Izzy trying to cheer him up over at the bar. The thought disturbed him. Was his life really that miserable? That it was  _happy_  to be interrupted by insane, lunatic, glittery men with unnatural affinities to their cats?

“Please,” Alec pleaded, desperate and a little terrified, “Give me back my wallet?”

The guy, still apparently in deep thought, gave Alec the smallest of glances. His cat seized this moment to snatch the wallet and leap at Alec, who’d put his hands up and closed his eyes in total shock. Somehow, before he even knew it, Alec was back on the ground, and he whirled around, using his years of instinctive combat technique, pinning the attacker on the ground, who’d gasped. 

Alec focused to the sparkling silver cursive that spelled out M A G N U S  B A N E on the black sequined jacket pocket. He’d assumed it was a brand at first, but perhaps it was the guy’s name…? 

“Magnus”- if that was his real name- coughed as Alec held his wrists down, before he let go nervously, terrified that he hurt the stranger again. “Again?” Alec demanded, pressing his hands to his forehead. His knees were relaxed down into a position on either side of “Magnus’s” torso. “ _Seriously_?“

"Trying to… Get my cat-” Magnus was coughing, explaining…

Alec saw the situation play out in his mind, slowing down to visualize it. The cat jumped. “Magnus” went after the cat, stumbling back into Alec, who immediately used combat to slam “Magnus” into the ground. 

“This has been a bad night. I feel like… I feel like I’m a little dangerous to you…” Alec tried to collect his swarming thoughts out loud, trying to figure out what exactly happened. “I’m just going to… take my wallet home-”

Magnus’ cat eyes narrowed. “So were you in a fight? Is that why my cat stole your wallet? Because you use combat on people?”

Alec’s eyes widened and closed in total frustration. He took a couple deep breaths, and tried to ignore the golden honey tone in this absolutely aggravating human being’s face. Why were the best looks wasted on the most infuriating people?

“I was not,” Alec emphasized each word. “In a fight. I was not in combat. I didn’t mean to do this to you; this was instinct. I am sorry if I hurt you. I will pay for your broken back if I broke it. I do not know why your cat stole my wallet. I need it back. Thank you. Have a great life.”

He started to get up, head back to the bar, try to understand what just happened in these past five minutes of his life, when the cat- the freaking gray, furry, green-eyed monster- growled. Alec stared. It stared back. He tried to get up again, and it furiously meowed again. “Magnus”, it appeared, was also staring. 

Alec settled back down, slowly, an inch towards the floor, towards Magnus, and the cat seemed to nod in approval. He frantically looked at Magnus in terror. “What does it  _want_?” he blurted out, before he could stop himself. “What does it  _want_  from me?”

And suddenly, he felt something tingle against his leg. 

And he looked down, and there it was- a gray, furry little bean, splayed out against his calf, rubbing its head, purring. And Magnus was staring at him, and Alec was staring at the him, and- he wasn’t quite sure what was going on-

Magnus swore. Loudly. And Alec, curious, forgetting for a second what position they were in, completely lost in confusion, gave him an expression of total, hopeless panicked bewilderment.

Magnus brought a hand up to Alec’s head, which was about ready to break apart into a million of baffled little pieces, and smoothed back his hair. Despite the craziness, despite the stupidity of the situation, despite his frustration at this “Magnus”, despite the crazy roller-coaster of the last five minutes this guy just put him through, Alec froze and his pulse started beating a little bit faster.  

“I’m so sorry,” Magnus murmured. “I’m afraid that there’s been a bit of a mistake. That is, of course, my and my cat’s fault, and I’m very, very sorry that you had to be a part of it.”

Still frozen, still unmoving, Alec blinked and tried to breathe. “It’s, ah. Okay?”

“Get off of this poor boy,” Magnus snapped at the fur ball, still looking at Alec intensely, who found that he couldn’t really break away from the eye contact. “You’ve done enough to him. My  _god_ , I can’t apologize enough-”

“It’s okay,” Alec repeated, numbly, again, finding that he really, really wanted to touch those colorful swirls in Magnus’ hair, for some reason. He shook free of that thought, frowning. “Except, why, exactly?”

“It appears,” Magnus stated, unmoving from the apparently comfortable position he had lying down on the ground with Alec on top of him, “That my cat actually did like you after all. He liked you quite a lot, really. And thought that I should meet you. And I messed that up horridly.”

And that was when Alec realized he was ogling. Not because Magnus sounded like he was out of his mind. This wasn’t an ogling of disgust, either. It was attracted ogling. Crush ogling. Shy, blushing ogling, at the little part of Magnus’ shirt that raised up and revealed the curves of abs on his stomach. Ogling of Magnus’ eyes, and face, and hair, and skin. It was just Alec’s luck to have a crush on a crazy cat boy. Just his !*@$ing luck. 

“Chairman,” Magnus demanded, sharply. “Get Alec his wallet back.”   
In a startling second, something that felt familiarly like rough leather was shoved under Alec’s fingers, along with a purr. Alec froze. This was most definitely a dream. There is no way all of this was happening.

Magnus sighed, closing his eyes for a long two seconds. The two seconds were just enough for Alec- fascinated- to study his face, again… Everything was so liquidy, and smooth- like beautifully melted caramel over a beautifully carved face-

He was wearing black smudged eyeliner….

And then his eyes snapped open again, and Alec was met with a shock of amber cat eyes again, and he faltered back, and this was enough for Magnus to decided that they were both getting up now. They had been on the ground for an embarrassingly long amount of time, Alec just realized. Although, for some reason, nobody seemed to really care, and dismissed them, as well as dismissing the cat, who was now roaming around between everyone’s legs-

“Magnus” was helping Alec up, who was admittedly having a pretty terrible night in regards to his coordination. Which is odd. He had been considered- next to Jace, Izzy, and a couple of others, of course- one of the “most graceful” in the Academy…

“I’m sorry for accusing you of committing heinous crimes you didn’t commit,” Magnus elegantly apologized. Alec, in response, stammered out some form of an “It’s okay”. 

“Chairman Meow,” Magnus went on, and suddenly, there the cat was again, leaping onto his shoulder, “Is also very, very sorry for causing this mess in the first place.”

Alec stared. Again.

“Go,” Magnus commanded his cat, and with an annoyed whine, Chairman Meow left his little shoulder stand as quickly as he came, and went wandering off back into the sea of people.

Magnus turned back, and thought to himself in silence. Alec really had no idea why he was staying so long, what he was hanging around for, what he was waiting for, why he had no control of his body all of a sudden-

“I’ll have you know,” Magnus was suddenly taking steps in, towards Alec, whose eyes were widening, and hands started shaking. Their noses were an inch apart. Magnus’ eyes were hopeful, and a little sad. “That although I happened to misinterpret that situation, and maybe, perhaps, you’re sick of the subject of my cat, my cat is never wrong. And I think, maybe, after we get home and away from this mess of a night, and reorganize ourselves, and maybe figure out how to present ourselves better, we should go out. This weekend. At a place that isn’t a wonderfully majestic club for me and a sad, lonely, wallowing dark pit for you. Of course, it is all up to you. Maybe you’ll be the first person my cat has gotten wrong. Either way, you will contribute something fantastic to my life.”

Alec, for some reason, decided to completely lose his mind at that moment and close the gap between their lips. 

It was stupid. They were at a club. Magnus took dating advice from his fucking cat. Alec was lonely.

It was a recipe for disaster. It was a recipe for a future failed relationship. And Alec completely didn’t do the “play hard to get” thing that everyone was supposed to do- be a part of the chase, get to know the person a little, not dive in headfirst…

But the second their lips touched, a little bit of Alec was completely gone, and melted. His knees were buckling, and his heart was hammering, and for Alec, it was- excruciatingly beautiful. He was lightheaded, and dizzy, and he was positive he didn’t drink anything that night, but he certainly felt like he did in the moment. 

He couldn’t speak for “Magnus”, exactly-  _god damn it_. He didn’t even know the guy’s  _name_. How was this ever going to work out if Alec kissed this guy before even knowing his  _name_?!- but Magnus definitely seemed to want it back, after getting over the initial three second shock and relaxing. In a moment, Magnus was kissing back so hard that Alec’s back hit a wall, grinning against his lips the entire time, and after- how long, exactly? A minute? Five minutes? Ten?- minutes had gone by, he kissed Alec’s forehead, nose, and cheek so gently that Alec’s heart chipped a little.

They just rested a little while, forehead to forehead, Alec’s eyes closed, trying to realize what he’d just done.

“That was fast,” Alec murmured. “I don’t think that was supposed to go that fast-”

To which Magnus pulled Alec in by the waist so hard that Alec forgot all that he was saying and was kissing again.

“Your name-” Alec managed, some time later. “I need your name-”

The stranger raised an eyebrow, his eyes bright, happy. “Did you not see my monogram? Magnus Bane, at your service.”

Alec, pleased that his guesses were conclusive, shyly beamed. “I did see. I wasn’t sure if it was a brand, or-”

“Your name, I took from your wallet. Alexander Lightwood.”

Alec, realizing just exactly how smart this Magnus Bane was, just gaped at him. 

“Alexander,” Magnus stated, savoring the words on his tongue, and Alec had to close his eyes a little and smile at that. “I love it.”

“ _Alec_ ,” a voice called through, wavering through the crowd, and Alec startled, jumping away from Magnus immediately. Izzy was the only one who knew he was gay, but he didn’t want… He still didn’t want her to see… “ _Alec_ -”

He glanced back desperately at Magnus, who was watching, curiously, observantly, gathering information. He raised an eyebrow. “Should I be keeping this-” he gestured to between the two of them- “a secret?”  And Alec realized that Magnus was not quite as crazy as his cat interactions led him to believe. Not really crazy at all. 

Alec’s guilty expression was all Magnus needed. He nodded, once, to let Alec know that he understood, and suddenly, a rush of gratitude and happiness flooded his insides all at once, and Magnus Bane was looking to be a shinier focus in his future-

“ _Aleccccc_ -” Izzy’s voice rose to a whine. Just when Alec was finally ready to be occupied with something- someone- else all night, she finishes her partying early. Alec turned, ready to put in a number into Magnus’ phone, or to write it down on a slip of paper, when Magnus tossed Alec Alec’s own phone and winked another pretty, golden-eyed wink.

“All taken care of,” he mouthed, before slipping into the crowd of people.  
Somehow, Magnus had managed to figure out Alec’s password- it was the number letters of his name (A L E C; 2 5 3 2)- and texted his number a message that stated “This is Alexander Lightwood. You are Magnus Bane. We are going on a date this Friday, 7 pm.”

Alec, upon looking down, saw the familiar gray fur bean with the green, green eyes, and glanced at it for a long time. A very long time. It continued to glance back. Hesitantly, awkwardly, uncomfortably, Alec mouthed, “Thank you” to Chairman Meow, embarrassed out of his god damn mind-

And the Chairman meowed back. 

And… damn it… did … he… wink? 

“Alec, we can go now. I told you, only a couple of dances. This club is pretty trashed anyways… We should probably just meet up with Ja-” His sister’s eyes narrowed as Alec turned around, still completely dazed, stunned, and in denial about what’d just happened that night. She reached out with one long, painted black nail, and Alec flinched, closing his eyes, sure she could somehow smell Magnus’ cologne, sure she somehow could see kiss marks, somehow-

She wiped a sharp slice of fingernail against his cheek and he winced, furrowing his eyebrows. “ _What_?” he asked, hesitantly.

Izzy inspected her index finger. “Is… this…  _glitter_?”

And Alec couldn’t help but laugh.


End file.
